


Strategies

by DoomedKelpie



Series: Trick or Treat (And What Follows) [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Conversations, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Dermatillomania, Excoriation Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Skin picking, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Therapy, discussion of mental illness/treatments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28510986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: The others (Particularly Logan and Virgil) try to help Janus learn to cope with his problems.
Series: Trick or Treat (And What Follows) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002450
Comments: 23
Kudos: 85





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! Heads up, this part focuses on skin picking again, so if that’s not your cup of tea, you don’t have to read this. 
> 
> In case it wasn’t kinda obvious, I kinda have experience with this stuff, so even though some of the strategies I write about here might seem kinda dumb, a lot are ones suggested by my actual therapist (some are internet advice, though). Keep in mind, though, that this fic is NOT intended to be used as medical advice or an endorsement of any of these strategies (in fact, I haven’t really found most of them to be effective at all). This story is just for entertainment purposes. 
> 
> And with that, here’s the story.

He didn’t want to get up. 

Logan wanted to have his ‘discussion’ with him today about his  _ little skin issue _ , and Janus was currently regretting having ever agreed to it. He still hated the fact that the others found out about it at all, and the thought of holding a frank discussion- an  _ honest _ discussion- about it was making his skin crawl. Sure, he hated having to pick his skin all the time, and he really did want to figure out a way to stop, but he didn’t even really think that was possible. And he remembered what it was like during the last time he had actually managed to stop. Whenever his thoughts turned negative, he would just have to sit with them, letting them spiral and twist around in his head, sometimes without any apparent end in sight. His skin felt constricted around his body, and he could barely stand the knowledge that there were so many imperfections in his skin that he couldn’t do anything about, that he couldn’t rid himself of. How many times had he had to forcibly still his own hands to keep them from starting it up again? How many times had he realized his hand was snaking into his sleeve to scratch at the skin beneath without him even noticing? How many times had he looked in the mirror and hated what he saw and still had to tell himself that he couldn’t  _ fix _ it? 

Janus could only keep that up for so long. 

In the end, he accidentally started picking at his fingers again while he was reading a book. It was a bit difficult to turn the pages with his gloves on, so he’d taken them off, and that was a mistake. With his gloves off and himself distracted by reading, his fingers fell back into old habits, and he didn’t even remember that he had decided to stop doing it until one of his fingers started bleeding. 

After that, it felt useless to keep trying. It was so  _ hard _ , and he’d already failed. What was one or a few more or a lot more times? He’d already done it again, anyway. 

He’d failed so quickly, and he didn’t want to fail again. Failing this time would be worse because the others knew now, and if he failed, they would be disappointed in him. Maybe they’d get mad at him for wasting their time. They’d get mad that, even though they tried to help him, he still couldn’t do something as simple as  _ not _ rip pieces of his own skin off.

No.  _ No _ , he was overthinking this. He was jumping to conclusions. The others wouldn’t get mad. They cared about him. It would be fine. It  _ is _ fine.

… Unless he’s just  _ lying to himself again- _

“Hey, kiddo?” Patton called out as he knocked on the door. “I made breakfast! Why don’t you join us?”

Breath in. Breath out.

“I  _ won’t _ be there in a minute,” he responded begrudgingly.

“Okay!”

As he heard Patton’s footsteps retreat back down the halls, Janus forced himself to finally sit up. He could do this. He  _ had _ to do this. He couldn’t be a  _ coward _ about this. He was Deceit, and Deceit didn’t chicken out of a stupid little conversation about a stupid little problem. Worst-case scenario, he had to lie about stopping-

No. No lying about this.

Okay, worst-case scenario, the others got tired of helping him and gave up, and he just went back to picking his skin all the time. That wasn’t much different than now, except the part where they got tired of him. 

And once he noticed his thoughts trying to persuade him into rolling up his sleeve to inspect his arms, he realized he was doing it again. 

“I can do this… Just go to breakfast and talk to Logan…”

Janus knew What would happen if he took a shower right now, and he figured that wouldn’t be a very good start to this. So, he forwent showering for the time-being and just snapped his fingers, changing from his pajamas into a dress shirt and slacks. 

Upon entering the kitchen, he saw he was the last one to arrive (other than Remus, but Remus likely hadn’t been invited to join in the first place). Virgil looked up at him as he pulled out a chair, extricating himself from his arm-pillows. 

“Morning, Jan.”

“Good morning, Virgil,” Janus returned the greeting. “You certainly look like you want to be awake right now.”

“... Existence is pain, and the morning only brings suffering.”

Silently, Janus agreed with Virgil’s melodramatic statement, while Patton attempted to distract everyone from their early-morning existential dread with food. Janus only ate enough to keep anyone (Patton) from pestering him about not eating. He wasn’t hungry, and his mouth felt dry.

Virgil must have noticed how nervous he was, because he felt Virgil reach over and squeeze his hand reassuringly for a brief moment.

After what felt like forever and yet far too soon, everyone finished their breakfast.

And Logan turned to him.

“Janus, are you ready for our discussion?”

Everyone looked toward him for a moment before quickly glancing away awkwardly. 

Instantly, the nervousness he felt roared into full-blown anxiety.

“... Actually, I’m rather busy today-”

“Jan. You’re not getting out of this,” Virgil sighed. 

He took Deceit’s hand again.

“We’re just trying to help you, Jan.”

“We support you, kiddo,” Patton added. “This might seem scary, but we know how brave you are. You can do this.”

And now Janus felt anxious and also stupid. He knew he was overreacting and making the others worry about his dumb little issues. He shouldn’t need to be reassured just to have a conversation with someone.

But that didn’t mean he wanted to do it.

“... Fine…”

And so he stood, and when Logan gestured for him to follow him, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this chapter, I’m pretty sure that this series is now (put together) my longest fic. (I’m counting it because it’s really all part of the same story, so.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, in this next part, Logan explains a bunch of strategies to stop skin picking, and while a lot of his explanations are based on the words of a therapist, please keep in mind that I am not a therapist. I am, at most, a psychology student who didn’t actually cover this disorder in their psychopathology class. So, DON’T use this fanfiction as medical advice. 

Logan led Deceit to his bedroom, and Janus wasn’t sure if he should be glad of that or not. Logan’s room encouraged the acquisition of knowledge, and a side effect of that turned out to be that Janus had an easier time telling the truth while in the room. And- though he hadn’t confirmed this- he was pretty sure Logan knew that. But was that a good thing? On the one hand, their conversation wouldn’t be hindered by Logan needing to switch his wording around, but on the other, it would make it harder for Janus to tell a convincing lie when he felt the need to. 

And he was pretty sure he would feel that need.

Upon entering the room, Logan gestured toward one of his chairs.

“Please sit, Janus,” he directed, sitting in another chair himself.

Deceit did so, and he hoped that he didn’t look as stiff as he felt.

“Alright, we might as well figuratively dive in, correct?” Logan began. “Now, I’m going to start by saying that you don’t actually  _ have _ to show me or go into detail about your skin picking unless you want to. I’m just going to help you learn the techniques and check in with how well they’re working. I won’t force you, and if you’re uncomfortable, tell me and I will let the matter rest. And I won’t get mad if a technique doesn’t work, nor will the others. Is this alright with you?”

“I-”

He wanted to say  _ yes _ , but Logan’s room was interfering. So instead, he shrugged. Logan nodded in response.

“Alright. I believe I already mentioned cutting your nails. This will just keep you from doing damage even when you try to pick your skin,” Logan told him. “Though, some people use objects instead of their nails. Is this something you do?”

Janus blinked.

“... Not… usually…”

Another nod from Logan.

“Do you think you would start using an object if using your nails was no longer an option?” 

“I don’t… know...?”

Logan crossed his legs.

“Well, you could try it. But if you end up using objects that do more damage than your nails, I would suggest letting your nails grow back out,” said Logan. “Is this something you would be willing to try?”

Surprisingly, Janus found himself answering easily.

“Alright.”

“Good. Now, that prevents you from doing too much damage to your skin, but it won’t actually stop you from trying or treat the reasons you do it,” Logan continued. “For that, I have compiled a list of some behavioral alteration techniques.”

Janus wanted to roll up his sleeves and take off his gloves, even though he knew he couldn’t (and shouldn’t), especially in front of the other sides. But  _ talking _ about it just made the urge to do so even stronger.

“The first of which is simple mindfulness. This likely won’t be enough on its own, either, but it could be beneficial. You should try to take note of when the urge to pick your skin is the strongest and what you’re thinking during those times. You can even write it down in a journal or chart, if you wish,” explained Logan. “And when the urge to pick does arise, try to tell yourself that, even though you feel like you  _ have _ to pick your skin, you actually  _ don’t _ .”

Janus’s eyes narrowed.

“Ah,  _ yes _ , telling myself to stop will  _ clearly _ work,” he drawled.

Well, at least Logan’s room didn’t seem to be affecting his sarcasm.

Logan adjusted his glasses.

“I do not believe that will be enough to help you stop. It is simply one piece of the figurative puzzle that might make it easier,” he responded. “Sometimes, we start to believe that our thoughts are true, even if there is evidence to contradict them. Some thoughts are just thoughts, and if we can, we should try to evaluate whether those thoughts should be listened to or not. This also applies to the negative thoughts that might urge you to pick your skin and not just the thoughts about picking themselves.”

Silently, Janus thought that sounded a lot like Logan’s opinion on how to deal with Remus, which didn’t exactly quell his spark of irritation, but he nonetheless didn’t say so. 

“You can also try to remind yourself not to pick your skin if you find yourself doing it unintentionally. You can put some sticky notes up in your room, for example,” said the other side, not noticing that Janus wasn’t very happy at the moment. “It might help to put one on the bathroom mirror or in other areas where you engage in activities that might increase the urge.”

“...  _ Sticky notes? _ ”

“I know it might seem silly, but giving yourself a reminder is helpful in a wide variety of situations,” Logan replied. “If you look around, you’ll notice that my room is covered in them.”

Logan’s room  _ was _ , in fact, covered in various sticky notes. The one closest to Janus, the one on the desk, was a reminder to check the clock and go to bed if it was past 10 p.m. 

“Another technique is to keep your hands busy so you don’t have the opportunity to pick your skin. You might want to hold something or use a fidget toy when you’re in a situation in which you are likely to start picking your skin,” the logical side kept going. “This may not be feasible in all situations, but if you are having a hard time, it can be helpful to prevent you from doing it. On that note, you don’t seem to pick your skin when around others, so if being with someone will prevent you from doing it, you shouldn’t hesitate to seek one of us out.”

Of course he didn’t pick his skin around them. How could he rip his skin apart while others were  _ watching _ ?

“Now, this might seem obvious, but really, the only way to stop picking your skin is to  _ not _ do it.”

Janus was about to respond, but Logan held up a hand.

“I know that sounds stupid,” he cut in. “But if stopping is your goal, you will have to  _ try _ to stop, whether you use these techniques or different ones.”

“... But what if I  _ can’t? _ ”

Logan uncrossed his legs and looked Janus in the eyes.

“Janus, I’m not telling you to stop immediately. It would be expected that you keep doing it for a while, and there’s no schedule for how long it should take,” he told Janus. “And even if you can’t stop completely, decreasing the frequency or severity is still progress.”

Janus crossed his arms.

“Now, how long do you believe you can currently go without picking your skin at all?”

He thought for a moment.

“Maybe… a day? If I’m trying really hard not to.”

Logan nodded.

“Alright. So, why don’t you start with trying to stop yourself for a day, and you can try to increase that time slowly?” Logan suggested. 

Deceit’s mouth felt dry.

“I… I can  _ try _ …”

And then, Logan gave him a small smile.

“That’s all anyone can ask of you, Janus,” he reassured. “And remember, even if you do end up picking your skin, you haven’t failed. You can still stop yourself from doing it again or keep yourself from doing it in the future. No one will think less of you for having difficulty with this. Alright?”

“... Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the sticky note thing is legitimately therapist advice. It kinda helps until you just get used to the sticky notes and start ignoring them lol.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, here is your reminder that I am not a therapist and medical advice should NOT be acquired from any fanfiction I write.
> 
> Also, yesterday I finally finished writing this fic series. There’s still a while to go from this point in the story, though, since I’ve only posted a little over half of the story so far.

Later that day, Janus was sitting in the living room, watching whatever cartoon it was that Roman had playing on the television (surprisingly, not a Disney show). Whatever it was, Janus had no interest in it, but that was what was on. 

Earlier, after his talk with Logan, Janus had been in his room, but that quickly revealed itself to be a mistake. Usually- assuming he was feeling relatively okay- he could stand to be in his room without picking his skin  _ too _ much until he had to take his clothes off to shower, but today, his mind had started  _ begging _ him to take his gloves off. The talk with Logan just made the thought of picking his skin remain at the forefront of Janus’s mind, and the more he tried to  _ not _ pick his skin, the harder it became not to because  _ he couldn’t stop thinking about it _ . On normal days, he was distracted from the thought of doing it for most of the day because he was doing something, and even if he did it without noticing sometimes, he didn’t end up doing it for forty minutes straight like he sometimes did before showering. But he couldn’t focus on doing anything else right now, so the thought of picking his skin was consuming his thoughts. Even now, he was struggling not to do it and only  _ didn’t _ because Roman was sitting in the same room as him. He didn’t want Roman to see him like that. 

Janus wasn’t really sure how useful Logan’s suggestions would be. After all, a lot of it just seemed to boil down to  _ just don’t do it _ , which he had  _ tried _ , and look where he was now. He was at least trying one of Logan’s techniques by sitting with Roman, though (Even though he really would prefer to hide away in his room and lock the door).

Though, if Janus was (ironically, yes) being honest, part of him wasn’t so sure he wanted Logan’s techniques to work. Of course, he  _ was _ bothered by picking his skin. He was tired of the pain, tired of the blood, of the hiding from others, of the layers of clothing, of the time wasted, of his skin looking the way it did. He was  _ tired _ of picking his skin and the way it made him feel about himself. But another part of him relied on it, and he wasn’t sure how long he could handle not giving in. And even though Logan said he didn’t have to stop immediately, he knew that Logan and the others expected him to stop  _ eventually _ .

And that just made him feel trapped- by expectations, by his thoughts, by his ‘habit’,  _ whatever _ \- he just felt trapped. The idea of never being able to pick his skin again felt  _ scary _ . It felt like his control was being taken away, even though he had agreed to try to stop. 

… Which, perhaps, should be a sign that picking his skin wasn’t as much of a form of control as he liked to think it was, but he couldn’t help his thoughts.

“Hey, Snakes and Ladders, are you doing okay?” Roman asked suddenly.

Janus startled slightly, having been lost in thought.

“Hm? Oh,  _ yes _ , I’m just utterly  _ enthralled _ by this  _ pinnacle of cinema _ we’re watching.”

“Really? Who’s your favorite character? My favorite is…”

And as Roman began to passionately rant about the show Janus had  _ negative _ passion for, the deceitful side’s thoughts continued to swirl around.

XXX

Inevitably, Janus returned to his room. And inevitably, he had to take a shower. Maybe not tonight- it had only been a bit over a day since his last shower- but he would have to eventually. And if he didn’t shower, he would only end up with pimples and things that just screamed to be picked at, and that wouldn’t be helpful at all. Besides, his hair started to feel gross if he didn’t wash it for more than a day or two, and it was a sensation he found to be particularly unpleasant.

And so, after stalling for a while (mostly by playing with Snakey), Janus finally convinced himself that he should go shower. 

Before he knew it, he stood in his bathroom, clothes thrown into the hamper and trying not to look at his skin. But how could he  _ not _ look? 

His skin was  _ covered _ in little dots- raised bumps, scabs, tiny bruises- and his mind immediately welled up with  _ hate _ . He hated that his skin looked like this, with all the peeling skin and smears of blood and swollen redness. He hated that it was his own fault he looked like this. His eyes wandered to his patches of scales, and he silently wondered what it would be like if his entire body was covered in them. Would he be okay with the way his skin looked then? Would he still have the compulsion to pick and just switch to pulling off scales? Would he even be able to pick off his scales? He had hadn’t really picked at his snake scales (not the way he did at his human skin, at least) because he didn’t mind the way they looked. His scales didn’t have the same imperfections that his human skin did. They  _ looked right _ , and even when he looked at them closely, his mind didn’t find little half-imaginary spots to pick at.

He had to force his hands to stay still so they wouldn’t start searching his skin. 

Janus looked at his nails and decided that he should maybe cut his nails first. It would be better to cut his nails before he showered, anyway- nails got soft in the shower, and you weren’t supposed to cut them when they were like that, right?

And so, Janus put his clothes back on and took out his clippers from the bathroom cabinet, having successfully avoided picking at his skin for the time being.

See? He was  _ trying _ at least, and he hadn’t failed.

Yet.


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy everyone;
> 
> It doesn’t have anything to do with this story in particular, but I crocheted a Janus snake, so if y’all want to see it, here’s a link to the insta post: 
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ1azKCBwcU/?igshid=komjbm1v54ww
> 
> Also: another reminder not to use my fics as medical advice.

Considering the way that his conversation with Logan made him feel, Janus had been hoping that Virgil wouldn’t remember his offer to help him. This was, of course, a silly hope to entertain when Virgil had already forced him to accept Logan’s help, and Virgil was, well, Virgil. He didn’t really just  _ forget _ things, seeing as forgetting things could land Thomas into bad situations. 

And sure enough, he found Virgil knocking on his door.

“Hello, Virgil.”

“Hey, Jan. Ready to talk?”

He sighed.

“You  _ know _ I don’t want to.”

Virgil shrugged.

“Yeah. But I think we gotta, you know?”

Janus let him into the room with another sigh.

“I feel as though all I do now is have ‘serious discussions’ with you all,” Janus half-joked. “Whatever happened to villainous monologuing and pretending I’m  _ not _ a dumpster fire?”

“Are you  _ trying _ to overthrow me as the resident emo?” Virgil questioned.

“I’m too  _ classy _ to be an emo, Virgil.”

“Keep telling yourself that, you dork.”

“Do I need to remind you of what Remus would say if he were here?”

“... No. Anyway,” Virgil started, changing the subject. “I don’t want to get distracted. I’m not going to go on a super long rant like Logan or anything, so let’s just get this over with, yeah?”

“ _ Fine _ ,” Janus agreed with an eye-roll. 

“Actually, I kinda just wrote a list of a few things that sort of help? Just in case you forget or something, I don’t know,” said the anxious side as he handed Janus a piece of paper. “It probably won’t help very much; I mean, I’m  _ me _ , and lists aren’t really my thing, but I figured you can just use it as a reference to look back on. I don’t know.”

Janus looked down and began reading the sheet:

  * _Mindfulness/Letting thoughts go (think ‘Here Comes a Thought’ from SU)_


  * Using Logic to figure out if your worries are rational or not (DON’T tell Logan I wrote this)


  * Spending time with others (AKA, don’t be a hermit)


  * Relaxation/Meditation (Also, #SelfCare)


  * Progressive Muscle Relaxation (Kinda weird but might help idk)


  * Breathing Exercises (Esp. If you’re having a panic attack)


  * Actual Exercise (Pretend you’re literally running away from your feelings)


  * Ice pack. (Put it on your forehead or something. There’s some sciencey reason why, but I’m not getting into that)


  * Go through your thoughts with a Hexaflex diagram (Google it)


  * If a worry can’t be resolved: Healthy Distractions (Keep your brain occupied)


  * I a worry CAN be resolved: Take Steps to resolve it (even if you can’t completely resolve it)


  * ~Therapy~ (Seriously.)



“ _ Therapy _ , Virgil?”

“I mean, yeah?” Virgil replied. “Honestly, that’s more what I wanted to talk to you about. Like, I can list off a few techniques to cope with anxious thoughts and shit, and maybe I can explain some of them, but I’m not exactly qualified to treat stuff. I just know some of this since, well.”

Virgil gestured at himself.

“And I know more about anxiety, not… well, skin picking or OCD or anything like that. So, I think it would be better if you talked to a therapist or something?” He explained. 

“... You want me to go to Dr. Picani, don’t you?” Janus asked.

Virgil shrugged. 

“I mean, I talk to him sometimes.”

“Virgil, he’s one of Thomas’s characters. He should only know whatever information Thomas knows,” Janus pointed out. “So he might not be able to help, either.”

“Yeah, well, actually…,” Virgil said awkwardly. “Thomas kinda knows some stuff now. Logan had him do research. I mean, how do you think Logan knew all the stuff he told you?”

At that, Janus felt his blood run cold.

“Wait, did you all tell Thomas?!”

Virgil put up his hands in a placating manner. 

“Chill, Jan. We didn’t tell him. Logan pretty much just made him really curious about it so he would research it,” the side told him.

Janus took in a deep breath before letting it out in a huff.

“Look, I’m not gonna drag you to Picani’s office. Just think about it, okay?” Virgil requested. 

“I’ll… consider it.”

“You’re not lying, are you?” Virgil questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not,” Janus insisted. “I’ll  _ consider _ it. That doesn’t mean I’ll do it.”

Virgil nodded. 

“That’s fair. I do think it could help, though.”

Silently, Janus doubted that he would end up accepting Virgil’s suggestion. It was hard enough having to talk about this with the others, and he wasn’t sure he would have ever told them if he hadn’t been forced to by his own clumsiness. How was he supposed to talk about it with Emile? He didn’t think he’d ever even had an  _ actual _ conversation with the man before. Sure, he’d observed him in the past, and he’d watched Thomas’s Cartoon Therapy videos, but as far as actually  _ interacting _ with the character, Janus had more-or-less avoided Picani like the plague. He’d been afraid that the therapist would somehow be able to figure out what he was doing, the things he felt and how he dealt with them, and he had wanted to avoid that. But, well, he supposed that, if he went to Picani for treatment, the man would need to know what he was treating anyway.

He would... think about it, at least. 


	5. Part 5

Janus was covering his room in brightly-colored sticky notes when he felt himself being summoned. Which was fine. He was trying out Logan’s suggestions, but he quite frankly hated covering his room in sticky notes. It just ruined the aesthetic of the place, and, well, he wasn’t quite sure that the constant reminders were helping. In fact, it might be making things worse because, even if they reminded him not to pick at his skin when he was about to, they reminded him about his skin  _ more _ , and that just made it harder to not actually do it. 

So, he was actually glad, relieved even, that Thomas was summoning him. 

Surprisingly, however, when he appeared in Thomas’s living room, he found that he had been summoned alone. 

“Hello, Thomas. Finally ready to nudge a few people down the stairs?”

“What? No!” Thomas exclaimed quickly. “No. I just wanted to chat.”

Janus only barely managed to contain a groan.

“I’m afraid I’ve had more than enough ‘chatting’ recently.”

“Oh. Well. Um, can we talk anyway? Please?” Thomas requested. 

The deceitful side let out a sigh. Curse his soft spot for Thomas.

“Oh, alright,” Janus acquiesced. “Something on your mind, Thomas?”

“Uh, I guess?” Thomas told him. “But this isn’t about me, actually.”

“One of your little friends, then?”

Thomas shook his head.

“No, Janus. It’s about. Well. It’s about you.”

Well, fuck. 

“Oh?” he said, trying to sound as if everything was normal.

“I mean, I haven’t really seen you around in a while.”

Right. He hadn’t really left the mindscape lately, so he hadn’t actually spoken to Thomas outside of business since… he wasn’t really sure.

“Sorry, Thomas. I’ve been a bit… busy, as of late,” he apologized.

He  _ had _ been busy. Officially, he didn’t actually have all that much to do, but trying to figure out his issues was surprisingly time consuming. 

“I must have lost track of time, I suppose.”

But Thomas didn’t seem to believe him, as he simply crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Janus,” he sighed. “I’ve been a bit… concerned.”

Well, double fuck.

“It’s just, out of nowhere a while ago, I suddenly got super interested in, like, skin picking?” Thomas told him.

Oh,  _ fuck _ .

“And, well, at first I thought it was just Remus acting out again, but actually, Logan was encouraging it?” Thomas continued to explain. “And I was wondering why, so I started asking everyone what it was about, and Patton let slip that Logan was trying to help one of you.”

He, apparently, needed to have a few words about respecting his privacy with both Logan and Patton.

“At first, I thought it was about Virgil, since, you know. Anxiety,” said Thomas. “But he said it wasn’t him.”

And Virgil, it seemed.

“And, well. Then I asked Roman, and he said that you have a skin picking disorder,” Thomas finished. 

Oh, goody, he could apparently just turn it into a group thing. And he would have to figure out some kind of revenge against Roman now. Great.

“So, are you doing alright, buddy?”

At this, Janus mimicked Thomas’s position, his arms crossed, and despite the ice that was now flowing through his veins, he forced his usual smirk on his face.

“Not to worry, I’m absolutely  _ fine _ , Thomas,” he told his host. “I’m not quite sure what Roman was on about, but there’s no need for you to worry.”

Thomas frowned

“Sorry, bud, but I kinda don’t believe you?”

Janus put a hand over his heart and made an exaggerated scandalized expression. He doubted it, but maybe he could still convince Thomas that everything was fine.

“You  _ wound _ me,” Janus replied, his tone as exaggerated as his expression. 

“Janus, I’m being serious, and I know you’re just trying to distract me,” Thomas pointed out, not taking Deceit’s bait. “I really just want to make sure you’re okay, so can you drop the act? Please?”

Despite his wishes, Janus felt his shoulders slump. He sighed.

“Well, you can’t blame me for trying,” Janus huffed, refusing to make eye contact with the other man.

“I’m not  _ blaming _ you for anything, Janus,” Thomas clarified. “I’m just worried.”

The deceitful side grimaced slightly.  _ Curse his soft spot for Thomas. _

“And I told you  _ it’s fine _ ,” Janus insisted. “It’s not like this is new. I’ve just… it’s been a bit  _ worse _ recently. But it’s not… You don’t have to worry about it, Thomas.”

He tapped his gloved fingers on the sides of his arms.

“And, well, I  _ am _ working on it,” he said. “The others are trying to help. That’s how you found out, after all.”

Thomas relaxed slightly, letting his arms fall to his sides before one hand rose up to the back of his head.

“Well that’s… that’s good,” he replied. “I’m glad that you’re working on it. But you can talk to me if you need to, okay? Even if it’s not about this.”

Okay, maybe he would retract his cursing of his soft spot for Thomas, since it could be rather nice at times.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he accepted. “But for now, I must be going. I believe I need to explain the concept of privacy to a few idiots.”

“... Just don’t nudge anyone down the stairs.”

Janus jokingly rolled his eyes.

“Oh, very well. No stairs,” he agreed. “As I’ve said, there are much more fun ways to get things done.”

“Janus, what does  _ that _ mea-”

“Farewell, Thomas. I have some revenge to plan.”

And before his host could stop him, Janus sank back into the mindscape.


	6. Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the last chapter of this part, but stay tuned ‘Cuz there’s still a while left to go in the future parts.

He returned to the mind palace in a flurry of rage and flopped into the sheets on his bed. It had been about two weeks since Janus had spoken with Thomas and subsequently reminded the others that they shouldn’t just reveal other people’s personal information (which he may have achieved through methods varying from a simple note for Patton to borrowing one of Remus’s monsters to remind Roman). During that time and despite his annoyance about Thomas being told about his problem, Virgil, along with the others, had managed to convince him to have a session with Dr. Picani. Apparently, Logan hadn’t gotten the message about respecting his privacy because he told everyone that Janus wasn’t getting any better about the skin picking, having not even been able to go much longer than a day without doing it at all (Though, Logan had certainly gotten the message after Janus borrowed a  _ second _ creature from Remus). 

He’d had his first and  _ only _ session with Emile earlier, and he had already decided that he wasn’t going to go back. The man was just so  _ infuriating _ . Everything always went back to cartoons with him, and Janus didn’t even  _ like _ cartoons all that much. But that wasn’t even the main thing that angered (upset) him, though it was a lot easier to blame his irritation (anxiety) on the man’s childish personality. Really, though, it was about being forced to talk about his problems, which  _ apparently _ extended past the skin picking itself. And  _ okay _ , maybe Janus knew he had other problems, but he was barely ready to talk about  _ this one _ , and he didn’t appreciate the therapist repeatedly trying to get him to talk about the  _ other things _ that he hadn’t even agreed to talk about. 

Even the man’s questioning made him feel  _ bad _ , and he hated it. 

His skin was crawling, and he couldn’t  _ stop _ thinking about his skin and all the spots he knew were littered across it.

He had already removed his gloves and rolled up his sleeves, and there were already a few beads of blood welling up from his skin by the time he heard a knock.

“Jan, are you okay? I can feel your anxiety spiking,” he heard Virgil question through the door. “... Did your appointment go badly?”

There was fire in his chest, and he was finding it hard to breath.

“Go away, Virgil!”

His fingernails were digging into his arms now, and he wasn’t even picking at his skin. He was just squeezing and pressing, and he wasn’t even quite sure whether he was more angry or panicked at the moment.

He wanted to be alone.

He wanted to curl up in a ball, stay in his room and not come back out.

“... Janus, I think you’re having a panic attack.”

He was shaking. He was gasping. And even though it hurt, he was continuing to dig his nails into his arms harder because it felt like the only thing that was keeping him there.

“Jan, can you open the door?”

He couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t.

“N-No…”

“Alright. That’s okay. Can you try to breathe? Follow along with my voice, okay?”

He could hear Virgil talking, but he wasn’t able to focus enough on the words to follow along until he dug his nails in again. 

“Okay, you’re doing great, Jan. Let’s keep going, yeah?”

He tried to follow along, and though it seemed to take forever, he was able to focus a little better on the voice with each controlled breath. Then, eventually, Janus found his breaths steadying. 

It was fine. It was  _ fine _ . Emile was only a character. It was a bit  _ surprising _ that he knew things that only he and Remus should be aware of, but it was  _ fine _ . Emile was a therapist. He had to follow patient confidentiality, right? Well, there wouldn’t really be any repercussions for him since he wasn’t  _ real _ , but he wouldn’t tell, right? He couldn’t. And Janus was pretty sure that, if Emile planned to tell the others about the past, then he would have already done so.

So it was  _ fine _ .

Once his breathing was back to normal and he stopped shaking, Janus slowly uncurled his stiff fingers, finally removing his nails from his flesh. There was blood beneath his nails and red crescents adorning his forearms. 

“Can you open the door now, Jan? I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”

Janus took a few more deep breaths in before he unrolled his sleeves and replaced his gloves. He tried to straighten out his clothes as best he could to make himself look more presentable, but that was a lost cause at this point, he supposed. Instead, he snapped his fingers so that he was wearing his hoodie and more comfortable pants. Then, he went over and unlocked the door.

“Heya, Jan,” Virgil greeted.

The other side looked him over for a moment, and Janus felt uncomfortable as the gaze settled for a little too long on his arms and hands.

“So, I take it your session didn’t go well.”

Janus scoffed as he allowed Virgil into his room.

“I’m not going back.”

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck and let out a sigh.

“Well, I’m proud of you for trying it,” he said. “I mean, you might end up changing your mind, but if it was really that bad, then I don’t blame you for not wanting to go. What happened, anyway?”

Janus crossed his arms with a huff.

“I just…,” he started. “I don’t like  _ talking _ about things like this, Virgil. It makes me feel like crap. And even with everyone trying to help me stop  _ this _ , it just makes me think about it more, and it’s making it worse. I just… don’t even know what to do.”

Virgil’s eyes widened, either at what he said or the honesty he said it with.

“Alright,” Virgil replied, a slight tremor in his tone. “Maybe it’ll help if we lay off a bit? You should still keep trying, I think, but I can tell the others to try to stop bringing it up so much. Okay?”

“... Yes. I suppose.”

Virgil nodded.

“Okay, good. We can work with that.”

Janus tapped his fingers and avoided Virgil’s eyes. 

“He… He wouldn’t  _ stop _ trying to bring up other things, Virgil,” Janus told him. “I don’t even know how he knew about some of it. There’s… he  _ shouldn’t _ have known about it.”

Virgil blinked, having apparently not expected that Janus would continue, or at least, wouldn’t continue with  _ that _ . 

“Oh. Well, he is a character. Sometimes the characters just… know things,” said Virgil. “Or, I mean, someone else could have told him?”

Janus hoped that it was just a quirk of Thomas’s characters and not that he was told. The only other person who should know about what happened was Remus, and Remus wouldn’t have told him, right?

Virgil cautiously reached out to put a hand on Janus’s shoulder.

“I’m sure he was just trying to help, though, Jan. But if you’re not ready to deal with all that stuff, you can wait until you are,” Virgil continued.

He didn’t think he’d  _ ever _ be ready to deal with the things Dr. Picani brought up that day. 

But then, Janus realized that Virgil might eventually prod him about what he was referencing, or, heaven forbid, actually be able to  _ guess _ what it was, and that was the absolute  _ last _ thing he wanted. So, his mind quickly came up with an explanation that would throw Virgil off the trail.

“Ha, you’d think over a decade would have been enough time to get over it,” Janus scoffed sarcastically before his face fell. “I thought it was. I thought I  _ was _ over it.”

Deceit could let Virgil think that he was upset over what happened with the others. Virgil already knew that topic upset him, and it  _ was _ something that he didn’t want to talk about. 

It just wasn’t the thing that Picani brought up that day.

He gritted his teeth slightly. At least his emotions here weren’t faked, so Virgil would probably be thrown off any other trails this conversation might have led him down. The most convincing lies were built on the truth, after all.

“I  _ should _ be over it,” he hissed. “I mean, we’re all  _ friends _ now, aren’t we? So I shouldn’t still be upset over the damn  _ past _ .”

He would just let Virgil know about one of his less damning issues.

Janus felt Virgil grip his shoulder lightly before the hand fell.

“Dude, I know that _you_ _know_ that’s not how shit works,” he said simply. “Yeah, we’re all friends now, but that doesn’t mean that the past didn’t happen or that it didn’t hurt you. Just… don’t get too caught up in scolding yourself for how you feel, alright?”

Janus felt tears pricking at his eyes and started scrubbing at his face with gloved hands in an attempt to prevent the tears from falling. He hated this. He hated what had happened with Dr. Picani, and he  _ hated _ that his attempts at misdirection were only bringing up more of his own hurt feelings. Even still, he let out a small laugh.

“Hypocrite.”

“Just because I’m a hypocrite doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

Janus rubbed the remaining wetness from his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry again today. 

“I feel like, if we keep having all these heart-to-hearts, I really  _ will  _ have to take over your emo thing,” he joked. 

“No. There can be only one.”

“Ooo, a hypocrite and also greedy.”

“I’m not greedy, I’m just better at it than you,” Virgil responded. “I mean, you haven’t even smeared eyeshadow under your eyes.”

“I’m a snake, not a raccoon, Virgil.”

“Hmph.”

And then, Janus felt something bump against his foot.

“Ah, speaking of snakes, it seems Snakey has decided to come out,” said Janus. “Did you miss Virgil, little one?”

Snakey stuck his tongue out and slithered over to Virgil, who also got a boop on the foot. At this, Virgil reached down to pick the snake up.

“Hey, Snakey. Do you want to have another movie night? You can invite Janus if you want,” Virgil offered.

Janus rolled his eyes.

“Virgil, we can’t always solve our problems by watching a movie.”

“This isn’t solving crap. It’s a distraction, and it keeps you from being alone in your room.”

Ah.

“Well, what are we going to watch, then?”

“Why don’t we let Snakey pick?”

“Virgil, you know he can’t read the titles.”

And even though Snakey looked mildly offended by that comment, Janus felt like, even though he was very much having a  _ bad _ day, at least tomorrow might not be quite as bad. 


End file.
